For the Moments When the Memories Feel Many

I spent the greater part of 2023 in a blue place.

You see, I prefer not to use the phrase “dark place” because that sounds far too depressing for me to embrace, so we’ll go with a blue place.

I have this best friend, a true kindred spirit in so many ways, including our love for literary quotes that you feel resonate so profoundly—it’s as though they reverberate into the very channel of your heart and soul—the type of quote that expresses just what you can’t seem to put into words at times.

Because I have times when words fail to express my feelings.

“Besides, I’ve been feeling a little blue—just a pale, elusive azure. It isn’t serious enough for anything darker,” said Anne of the Island.

2023 is a year I would never wish to relive. While it was filled with many joyful moments, the sorrow, grief, and disappointment almost seem to outweigh and overshadow the happy.

More than a decade of memories that were once sweet now bring a wave of heaviness to my heart when reflected on for too long.

2023 was a blue year, spent reliving so many memories, dissecting moments, and clinging to the hope that although those who were once family now feel fraudulent, in real-time, it was genuine.

However, even as I type this, I find I can’t let myself linger for too long.

Because there are days, such as today, when even the good memories hurt.

Here I am, nearly two years into the recovery process, and there are still moments when the wounds of the heart threaten to unravel yet again.

Tonight, while I share these thoughts through letters typed before me that form into words, I’m reminded of one thing.

Only God can quiet the question marks.

We can journal all our thoughts, share all the motivational quotes, seek all the counsel, talk it through a hundred times over until we run out of breath, dissect, process, and analyze everything, and begin again.

Trust me, I know because I’ve done it all again and again and again.

But for the moments when the memories feel many, truly, only God can quiet the question marks.

The questions of what could’ve been.

The questions of what should’ve been.

The questions of why things ended the way they did.

The question of whether those chapters of ministry were fruitful.

I’ve asked Him all the questions.

In the stillness of the night, I’ve asked them all.

When the voices of my thoughts were many and loud, only He could quiet them.

Only He is still quieting them.

On the days when you feel blue or are truly in a dark place, rest assured, dear reader, that He can quiet the question marks of your heart.

For the moments when the memories feel many- know you’re not alone.

You will recover.

You will heal.

And one day, you will testify how God has quieted your question marks.