Inside the Anxiety of the Pastors Wife

Maybe it’s because of shame. Maybe it’s because so many Christians feel as though committing yourself to a relationship with the Creator of souls, does away with normal human feelings and emotions.

But being a Christian doesn’t make you a super hero. It doesn’t cause you to suddenly inexperience, well, life.

And then maybe it’s because people simply don’t like to talk about or they don’t know how to address it.

Experiencing anxiety doesn’t make you any less of a Christian.

But if you’re a Christian and you experience anxiety, know that you do not have to live in a continual state of anxiety.

I experienced it, the night I found out my mom had cancer. I experienced it, while in the waiting room of her bone marrow testing. I experienced it before I walked back to her first round of chemo. The moment before my sister literally shook me by the shoulders and told me I had to be strong. I experienced it, walking out after that same chemo session, as my sister and I held our mother up on each side.

I experienced it the night I realized I was miscarrying our second child. I experienced it at the doctors office when I was told I was no longer pregnant. Again, when I was told I was pregnant and yet again, when I was told I wasn’t. I experienced it with each pregnancy I had, thereafter. Worrying that each baby would meet Jesus before they would meet their mother.

I experienced it when our three year old daughter lay lifeless, without answers in a hospital bed. I experienced it when she was vomiting sixteen times a day. I still experience it when I hear her make a whining sound in her sleep, so scared that I’ll relive those horrible months, again.

I experienced it during two seasons of my life, that were completely out of my control, tore my heart in two.

I have experienced anxiety and I am not afraid or ashamed to talk about it. Because many others who have experienced it or do experience it need to be assured that they are not alone. They need to know that they are not a “less than” Christian for experiencing what is a human emotion.

This year, the year 2020 has been one of unknown like never before. This pandemic. The government. The economy. The election. So much unknown.

When quarantine first took place, I found myself losing sleep. Not just one night but many nights. Our children attend public school, which has come along with a whole category of its own worries and questions. More than enough for this mother’s heart to grow weary in wonder.

But God.

He has been and always will be the ultimate balm for my anxiety filled heart and mind.

He was the God of my yesterday and I wholehearted have confidence that He will be the God of my tomorrow. But, I can’t overlook that He’s the God of the right now. The very moment I’m living in. This moment of unknown, uncertainties and unanswered questions.

What would faith be if I had all the answers to the tough questions? What would trust be, if I never had a worry?

I must place my unanswered questions in the hands of God, for my heart, my mind and my mental health.

He held yesterday in His palm and He holds tomorrow but I need to remember that I am resting in that same big hand, today.